We've coached a lot of people around relationship. What almost always brings them to us is something that upsets them and they're making the other person wrong for it. Then the classic blame and defensiveness starts as they try to work it out by getting the other person to change so the circumstance changes. This doesn't work as we have all experienced.
What has helped people resolve their issue is when they see the role their thinking is playing in their experience. When they see they are giving their attention to "ideas of rightdoing and wrongdoing", as Rumi put it in his poem, and they can find the field he refers to that is beyond those ideas. It's like magic.
They find themselves feeling close again, and if something does need to change, they're able to address it from a place of love and respect.
Here's the full poem:
Beyond ideas of rightdoing and wrongdoing, there is a field.
I'll meet you there.
Join us to hear more.
The gist of what our clients learn is that when they are triggered or get upset about something their partner is doing, they are feeling their thinking. They have gone into some form of wrongdoing and they're feeling that. That thinking, their thinking, is what's creating their experience of upset.
We've said this before, our experience is always created by our thinking in the moment, and almost always, if we feel upset we're making the other person (or ourselves) wrong in some way.
Seeing that it's our thinking and not the circumstance that has to change for our experience to change, allows us to find that field that Rumi refers to.
That field is always there and available when the mind is settled. It's who we really are. It's our true nature. But when the mind is unsettled and upset because of out thinking, we don't experience that peace and love that we are. So it's about getting back to a settled mind, which is the field that's beyond ideas of rightdoing and wrongdoing.
The big question then is, how do we do that?
When we pause our thinking and get curious about what's really happening, the mind can settle. Very much like the way a snow globe settles down when we stop shaking it, our mind settles down when we stop believing that the thoughts we're having are the Truth.
When we can pause, or get curious about whether our thinking is accurate, it takes us out of the ideas of right and wrong doing. From there everything looks different and we can address the issue free of the blame and upset that can get in the way of a productive conversation.
Finding the field, that is always within us, is a key ingredient in building a strong foundation in any relationship. And it's always just a thought away.
The recipe this week is Mac & Cheese with Spinach. We've tried numerous vegan Mac & Cheese recipes but never really found them satisfying. So, we made one up ourselves and think it's the best on the market. Give it a try and let us know what you think.
To your Amazing Health,
Connie and Bill
Mac & Cheese with Spinach
- 4 cups butternut squash, baked
- 1 cup cashews, soaked in 1½ cups hot water
- 2 dates
- 2 tablespoons no salt seasoning
- ½ cup nutritional yeast
- 2 teaspoons sriracha or hot sauce
- ground pepper to taste
- 11 oz fresh spinach (1 large clam shell)
- 16 oz. macaroni, or pasta of your choice
Cut the squash in half, seed it and bake at 375º for 45 minutes, or until soft.
In a food processor, add the cashews, dates, no salt seasoning, yeast, sriracha and pepper and process until smooth.
Cook the pasta, timing it to finish 5 minutes after the squash is done.
I like to wilt the spinach. You can wilt it by placing it in a large pan and adding the pasta to it right after the pasta is done and still hot. Or, you can add ½ inch water to a pan large enough to hold the spinach. Bring to boil and add the spinach, stirring every 30 seconds just until it’s slightly wilted. Pour any excess water off and cover. Then add it to the pasta when it’s ready.
Scoop the squash out of its shell and add 4 cups to the sauce in the processor, blending well until smooth. If it’s too thick, add more water, 1 tablespoon at a time. If it’s too thin, add more nutritional yeast, 1 tablespoon at a time.
Drain the pasta and put it back in the cooking pan. Add the wilted spinach if you didn’t wilt it in the hot pasta and combine.
Pour the sauce in, mix well and serve.